Saturday, August 6, 2011

Breakeven or Break through?

Hello my long lost bloggers,
In a week's time I will be back in P-town, referred to by some as Peoria: The armpit of Illinois. I'm really looking foreword to it though. I get reunited with all my lady friends and I just get to be busy again.

I didn't sleep last night so I decided to be productive. I took out this old composition notebook and just start doodling and writing and just being me. I wrote out some secrets and things that needed to get out of my head. I drew cartoons, and shapes, and landscapes. It was really relaxing. I highly recommend it to my fellow friends out there who don't sleep either. I'll post pictures of some of the less personal stuff later.



Friday, June 24, 2011

Monday, May 30, 2011


Why hello there,
Long time no blog. I've been home for almost 2 and a half weeks now and already I have been swept up into the never ending cycle of summer. Don't get the wrong impression though, I'm not off frolicing in the sunshine. In fact I've rarely been doing much frolicing in the sun or rain.

The title of this blog is heavy because that's how I have been feeling as of late. Not heavy like I've eaten too much pizza, which at times I am guilty of, but heavy or weighed down with emotion. I really miss my friends. I feel disconnected from my friends at home because we have been separated for so long and now I'm distanced from my school friends. I can't win. This blockage of emotion I suspect comes from the lack of a true best friend. I love my friends, I call them my best friends. I would have no problem telling Liz every little thing about my life, or Melissa but it's hard when you meet someone so late in life. All of us already have people were close too, people we will always be closer too. In my selfish world I sort of need someone to devote everything into, to unload my feelings and share conversations with. I love Caitlin but with her I have to be guarded, on edge. I would talk to Nathan but when I need to talk about Nathan, he's not exactly a prime choice.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, bad choices and bad decisions. Sometimes the guilt and the shadow of those mistakes makes me feel like I don't deserve the praise I receive. When people tell me I'm such a good friend or a genuine person I feel like I've deceived them. I'm not feeling very genuine. Like I said this post is a little heavy on the self pity and loathing. I almost feel guilty posting it. I'm not looking for sympathy or answers. I just needed to write it down.

My solution to my problem. Art. I need to start making things again. Since I've been home, I've been wary of my art table. But I have to bite the bullet. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that I can make art and it will make me feel good.

just meow.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Excitement !

The finish line has come and gone. One year down and only three more to go. I've been home for a couple days now and it has been nothing but wonderful. Yes, more often then not I wish I had the company of my friends but being home is wonderful. I can lay on the couch all day reading and drawing. My meals are home cooked and my bathroom drain is never full of suspicious band aids or other peoples hair. It's all about the little luxuries I guess.

I told my friend Melissa that I had almost forgotten how to laugh. That much is true, we're a  rather serious house hold. I'm not trying to say that we don't have a good time or anything but it just isn't the same. I guess this means that the old saying "You always want what you can't have" is 100% true. When I'm gone I want my family and when I'm with my family I want my friends. Humans really are fickle minded and weak hearted.

On a brighter note, being home means reading. I've already read three books since I've been home and every intention of reading the fourth tomorrow. If you are an avid internet-er, look up and add me as a friend. It's every readers dream.


Sunday, May 8, 2011


Tonight well studying my roommate, Liz and myself listened to the musical samplings of our childhood. Including but not limited too, hilary duff, high school musical (Only the first one), and Disney classics. It was a nice little walk down memory lane. Tonight or rather today is Liz's last day at school. It really hasn't hit me yet because I still have three more days until I can blow this popsicle stand.

When people were in high school they were constantly saying, I can't wait for college. The parties, greek life, no rules, extc, extc... but for me I'm excited for life after college. I'm ready for a real job with real prospects and my own apartment. When I finally move out of my parents house I'm going to get a corgi and name him Jackson Pollock. I'm not going to explain who that is for those of you who don't know. If you don't take this opportunity to navigate away from my blog and find him for yourself. But here is a picture of what I want him to look like, a visual reference if you will.

 I love corgi's with their disproportional bodies and pointy ears, it's just pure love in a puppy. Alas this is the only thing that there is to write about tonight. I have my second to last final tomorrow and I need some shut eye. Hopefully after the goodbyes tomorrow I'll think of something witty and profound to write about. But as always no promises.


Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm feeling a little nostalgic right about now. In a mere week, I will have completed my first year of college. Even typing that gives me shivers. I pay 32000 dollars a year for this education and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it. Even scarier is the thought of what happens after that. Do I start a career? Do I go to grad school? It's all just a little overwhelming.

To be honest, I'm getting a little frightened.
I'm looking for a little direction, some sort of a sign. I know life usually does not work like that but I really need it. An arrow to point me in the direction or a signal that I'm on the right track. My dad has been out of work for a while and I need to know that he's not paying all this money for me to come here and I'll screw it all up.

I'm just all sorts of jumbled. Maybe once I'm home and my equilibrium is set things will even out.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011


I know when I'm perusing the blogs I always am drawn to posts with pictures. So I decided that today I would upload some of my artwork. Keep in mind this stuff is a little dated, I have not been able to make a lot of things since I've been away at school. But just anticipate the summer when I can paint again.

Enjoy pease,
 This is my most recent self portrait, which really isn't recent at all.
I did this last spring in my drawing class, it's in charcoal.

 You will learn very quickly that I am obsessed with the Octopus..
Literally obsessed. 

 This was a part of a mixed media series I did Junior year.
This was a watercolor and acrylic paint piece.

This is a sculpture I did Senior year.
Two different kinds of wire.
Please also note my lovely puppy, Mason. 
I love that dog more than anything else in the entire world.

Well I hope you enjoy this brief photo update, hopefully it will generate some interest. Now unfortunately I am being forced to begin studying for my finals which are this week. On the bright side, this time next Wednesday I will be on my way to home sweet paradise.