Heavy.

Why hello there,
Long time no blog. I've been home for almost 2 and a half weeks now and already I have been swept up into the never ending cycle of summer. Don't get the wrong impression though, I'm not off frolicing in the sunshine. In fact I've rarely been doing much frolicing in the sun or rain.


The title of this blog is heavy because that's how I have been feeling as of late. Not heavy like I've eaten too much pizza, which at times I am guilty of, but heavy or weighed down with emotion. I really miss my friends. I feel disconnected from my friends at home because we have been separated for so long and now I'm distanced from my school friends. I can't win. This blockage of emotion I suspect comes from the lack of a true best friend. I love my friends, I call them my best friends. I would have no problem telling Liz every little thing about my life, or Melissa but it's hard when you meet someone so late in life. All of us already have people were close too, people we will always be closer too. In my selfish world I sort of need someone to devote everything into, to unload my feelings and share conversations with. I love Caitlin but with her I have to be guarded, on edge. I would talk to Nathan but when I need to talk about Nathan, he's not exactly a prime choice.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, bad choices and bad decisions. Sometimes the guilt and the shadow of those mistakes makes me feel like I don't deserve the praise I receive. When people tell me I'm such a good friend or a genuine person I feel like I've deceived them. I'm not feeling very genuine. Like I said this post is a little heavy on the self pity and loathing. I almost feel guilty posting it. I'm not looking for sympathy or answers. I just needed to write it down.

My solution to my problem. Art. I need to start making things again. Since I've been home, I've been wary of my art table. But I have to bite the bullet. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that I can make art and it will make me feel good.


just meow.